Here is a great example of how people with English degrees can help those less fortunate with MBA degrees. My friend and brother Andy Wolchko sent me his upcoming press release for some editing. You will see my notes afterward with the final copy added at the end.
------------------------Andy's Presser Before Edit--------------
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE CONTACT: info@realtyresources.org
Andy Wolchko, 757-490-7822
Michael Dahmer, 404-606-0908
RetailWorks of Georgia joins forces with Realty Resources
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA: Realty Resources Network, Inc. is pleased to welcome its newest member, RetailWorks of Georgia, Inc. to the network. RetailWorks is a leading real estate firm specializing in retail leasing and advisory services in metropolitan Atlanta. Its clients range from national chains and luxury goods retailers to local and regional retail tenants.
Michael Dahmer is the President and Managing Broker of RetailWorks. The company was ranked 6th by the Atlanta Commercial Board of Realtors for retail leasing in 2005.
Realty Resources Network, Inc. is a national network of independently owned and operated full-service real estate brokerage firms representing the country’s leading retailers from coast to coast. Member firms provide expert assistance in areas such as tenant representation, retail leasing, property management, investment sales, advisory, disposition, land sales and all facets of the commercial real estate industry. Membership in Realty Resources is based on commercial brokerage expertise, established tenant, developer, and community relationships, reputation in the real estate industry, and, above all, a strong presence and dominance in each member's respective trade area.
###
MY REPLY:
GREAT JOB!!!
Okay here's a few ideas:
Masthead: Include an address. I have included a copy of our "draft" press release for the gay chamber event. Having a business address legitimizes any presser because it is the easiest source to check. I.E. "...do they have an actual company address? Or is this one of those P.O. Box businesses?" Think like a lazy journalist!
1. Eliminate the tag "...to the Network." You've already used the word and it's redundant. As a reader we may not know your company but we are to assume it's some sort of network and you are welcoming a new member. Therefore the paragraph will read:
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA: Realty Resources Network, Inc. is pleased to welcome its newest member, RetailWorks of Georgia, Inc.
2. The next sentence starting with "RetailWorks is a leading..." should be a new paragraph. Otherwise the wordiness makes us misunderstand the network mentioned at top of presser.
And I would add something that humanizes the company such as ""Recent reports indicate that RetailWorks has almost full occupancy at their newest project, the Aqua Pacific Building at 500 Peachtree."
3. Any more info on the CEO? Try and pin him down for a quote and replace the one I provided. Tell him what you have in mind.
Also since it's 2007, I wouldn't mention any year before 2006. So I rewrote the paragraph:
"We are excited about this partnership," says President and Managing Broker Michael Dahmer of RetailWorks, "... and the exposure Realty Resources will bring to our real estate portfolio." Just two years ago the company was ranked 6th for retail leasing by the Atlanta Commercial Board of Realtors. RetailWorks clients range from luxury goods retailers to local and regional retail store tenants.
Now add your Realty Resource paragraph and you got it.
Pals,
RR
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Here's our AGLCC draft below. Notice that our real juicy detail sentence is actually located on the second paragraph...this is because we also know journalists are lazy and we wanted to make it easy for them by adding some personality to it:
(Insert AGLCC Logo/Masthead here)
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE (ATTN: Business and Entertainment Editors) Atlanta
Contact: Jon Wood
2007 AGLCC Awards Dinner Committee Chairman
2 Decatur Towncenter
125 Clairemont Ave., Ste 150
Decatur, GA 30030
Phone: 404.836.1120
www.hlmmortgage.com
awardsdinner@atlantagaychamber.org
Gay Chamber Invites Community for Fab Fox Annual Awards DinnerAtlanta, Georgia -- January 12, 2007 – It may be hard to believe, but some business was once conducted in hieroglyph. Thankfully that’s no longer the case but over the next few weeks volunteer scribes will begin rolling out invitations on behalf of the Atlanta Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. The lively group of serious business professionals is taking advantage of Atlanta’s brand of Egypt nonetheless for “Step Into the Spotlight 2007” at the Fabulous Fox.
The non-profit organization is heavily involved with plans for their annual Business Awards Dinner; which is scheduled for Wednesday, March 14, 2007 in the Grand Salon and Egyptian Room Theater. Tickets go on sale next week.
Since 1994, the AGLCC continues to be one of the fastest growing chambers in the country with membership that boasts business leaders, entrepreneurs, the self-employed, corporate Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender and Transsexual groups and others.
There will be a VIP reception to begin the fete with hors d'œuvres and Korbel champagne. Expect relaxing lounge music by local cabaret celebrity Robert Ray. A fantastic Silent Auction is being planned by Jason Harris, who has wowed Atlanta in the past with similar projects for the Atlanta Lesbian Health Initiative.
Because of the popularity of shows like this month’s “Grease: You’re the One That I Want” and last year’s “Dancing With the Stars”, expect the “Step Into the Spotlight 2007” show to start with a high energy dance number. And here’s a change in format---this year’s awards will be given by last year’s winners.
Famed Cuban Chef Lucy Alvarez of Mojito Restaurant & Lounge will be the creative genius behind the exciting and authentic menu for dinner participants.
The entertainment lineup includes the locally favored diva Francine Reed, melodic sounds from Brent Reece and Actor’s Express has joined the show with highlights from “The Great Trailer Park Musical”.
“We are the up-and-coming organization for Atlanta’s GLBT Community,” says Dinner Committee Chairman Jon Wood, “…we’d love to see a full house. It’s a terrific opportunity for us to get together once yearly, support the community, and honor our peers who are doing so much for Atlanta gay business.”
There are eight awards up for grabs, including “Business Man and Woman of the Year”. To join the Chamber, purchase tickets, and to nominate someone for an award, visit the AGLCC web site (http://www.atlantagaychamber.org).
Known throughout the Southeast as the premier venue for musicals, plays, concerts and ballets, The Fox is also one of the finest locations to host award dinners, trade shows, corporate meetings and association functions (http://www.foxtheatre.org).
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